PTSD & The Illusion of Support

Mental Health & Self-Improvement

Have you ever heard of the bystander effect?

The concept was made popular in the 1960s by two social psychologists by the name of Bibb Latané and John Darley, after the murder of a 28-year-old young woman in NYC. The concept explains the consequences of social influence and the diffusion of responsibility in a social setting. When we are in a group, or if there is an awareness of an increased population in a particular area, then we as humans are naturally more likely to divert responsibility to the next person. We assume that "oh well there's someone else here, they'll get it." However, that fallacy has some very dire consequences. The other part of this concept is the social influence part. Naturally, as humans, we observe others so we ourselves know how to behave. The problem lies in when the majority of the group sways the rest of the group to behave in ways that may not be beneficial or helpful in any way. For example, In the murder case mentioned above, the young woman was being stabbed and no one called the police. People watched from their windows and automatically assumed that someone else was going to call. Because of this fallacy, everyone diffused responsibility, and social influence caused everyone to think in the same way.

So Why Does This Matter?

When it comes to the idea of support, there is a level of fallacy in perceiving what support is and what it isn't.

Imagine this: You invite a group of people to a really important event. Now we all know things happen, but if no one you invited showed up because they assumed that other people were going to be there, then you would ultimately still be hurt or disappointed because regardless of the issues, no one still showed up.

The hurt stems from the collective absences. This is where I want to begin explaining my main point. Those collective absences send a message to your brain that "no one supports me" or "I'm not good enough" and convince yourself that those statements are actually true.

It's even worse when you experience PTSD or Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (a disorder developed in some people who experience shocking, dangerous, and dangerous events), like me. The sensation of disappointment evokes other emotions of abandonment and strife and creates a slipper slope of self-doubt.

Your sense of confidence and self-esteem stems from the amount of love and support perceived from childhood. That is the foundation for your framework of perceived support in society; meaning: if you grew up with very supportive parents, you are probably more likely to feel supported in life as an adult. But if you grew up with an adverse childhood, then you have probably experienced some of the same emotions of being unsupported that I experience. Lack of perceived support is the self-doubt that eats away at your self-esteem and causes self-loathing for things that are often out of your control. It is sometimes even harder to connect with people who do experience support because they can not understand or innerstand the level of tenacity it takes to have to stand alone.

"I've learned over time that love has boundaries, not conditions."

Don't Take It Personally, Even If It's personal.

Nine times out of ten, it has nothing to do with you. A lot of people operate out of capacity, over-committing themselves to different things in their lives, making it often difficult to show up for others. The first step to whatever the case may be is to never take it personally, even if it's personal. A lot of times I want to be mad, but I just have to let it go. Some people have been supported their entire lives and never learned how to support others. And if it seems like the people you want to support you can support everybody else but you, then you know you need to find better supporters. At the end of the day, whoever, if anybody, shows up for me, were the ones who were supposed to show up.

Continue To Be You

Not having support in any aspect can make you feel like you have to change who you are for people to accept you or support you. I've learned over time that love has boundaries, not conditions. If you have to be someone else, then that is not love or support. That's manipulation. Everything you need is already inside of you- and I know that is easy to say and harder to believe, but ultimately it is the truth.

Just Because You Support Them, Doesn't Mean They Will Support You. But you can't expect support if you don't give it.

The best oxymoronic statement made all year if I must say so myself. And it just so happens to be SUPER true. It sucks because sometimes you think that if you reciprocate behavior, social influence would encourage the other person to follow suit, but that's not always the case. You still have to support others in order to receive support, tho, regardless of what others do to you, like I said before, continue to be you! Yes, people can illude their own ideas of support, but for the most part, it is what it is. Keep your karma good by continuing to genuinely support others. Eventually, the support will come back to you.