healing is grief

When I embarked on my healing journey, I never knew how far I'd actually go. It was something I could only dream of, or have nightmares about. It all felt the same. Have you ever been frightened by a dream? Not just because you are scared it would come true, but because you feared the reality of the experience, or should I say the experience of the new reality. Dreams are nightmares without fear. We can dream that we can fly, and soon it would become a nightmare thinking about what it takes to stay in the air.

shot by James Davis Wilson

That's what healing is like. Grieving for the good because it sometimes feels bad. Or grieving the normality of just how comfortable you got when you were being abused or neglected in some way. And at one point, you just accepted that this was your reality and no matter how much you wanted it to change, it just wasn't going to for whatever reason. You never thought that you could make a change, you just assumed that a change had to be made for you in order for it to work.

From my standpoint, I was just young and afraid. I was asked to consider things no adolescent should have to consider. Like sending a family member to jail, despite the abuse, and what that would mean for your life- financially and emotionally. However, I knew one thing and one thing only; I wanted the abuse to end, by any means necessary. Granted, I never wanted anything bad to happen to the man, I still don't because I'm not a vengeful person. But, in light of me finding accountability, I established boundaries that mandate that if I'm going to be held accountable for not only my actions but how I allow people to treat me, then everyone around me is also going to be held accountable too. Through grief we establish boundaries. It is our energetic self building safeguards around our hearts and emotions. Adding bumpers to navigate the many energies we encounter on a daily basis. It also uses our past experiences to inform our future decisions. So that we don't put ourselves into unforeseen dangers.

When I wrote this piece (drop menu below to read), I was at a place where I didn't understand what was happening to me or what I was truly experiencing. I could see the rebirth in hindsight, but in the moment it just felt like pain, suffering, and spiritual torture. This entry was me trying to make sense of all the stages and levels of healing that had to transpire for me to be the Simone I am today. She is very interesting to say the least, and someone I would have wanted to know when I was going through. She may be insecure about some things (because that is a natural human emotion), but she is fearless. She goes for what she wants and doesn't stop til she gets there. And she sets the destination. She is my hero.

Don't let people mistreat you. Surround yourself with people who are interested in learning how you need to be loved. Extend grace to yourself and others because nine times out of ten, they are on their own journey to self recovery and may not always have the capacity to love you. Forgive those who didn't love you or just loved you however they knew how to, because they know not what they do, and if they did and continued on, well...that tells you all you need to know right there. You have to tell your story. For the most part, yes, it is scary, however, the liberation is more valuable than the emotive temporary we call fear. People need to hear your story (it sounds so cliché, but the reality is is that it's true). They need to hear it because there is inspiration and healing distinctly unique in triumph and when people have first hand accounts of progress and change, it evokes hope for people and their own situations. Lastly, love yourself no matter what.

Read the entry "[healing is grief]" from the new release sensations: vol 1 by st. dill

"Breaking the silence, part of healing is grief. mourning for the people that were taken from me too soon. every girl that i never got to fully experience in all her glory. how could something so sweet and precious be taken for granted in such a way. defaced not just to the world, but to herself and dignity. Humiliated. Manipulated. it all blends the same. i cry for them. i thought it was just the little girl that died that day, but it was every girl i tried to become after that that truly began to dig my grave. every time, every disappointment. abuse, violence. i'm trapped mourning these girls. man, they were so precious to me. each one in her phase, they were all apart of me. each time i didn't die by giving up, i became anew to survive. all those girls lived inside of me. so, when i say i'm healing for myself, i'm healing for all of them too. they deserve it, and so do i."